Cycle Day 1
Let's start the fun.
So here we are, beginning IUI #5. What a crappy day. Even as I type this, I know that it could be crappier. I know that many would kill to have the insurance coverage to be able to do 6 IUIs. So for that, I'm truly grateful.
I didn't think I'd cry. I knew the chances of conceiving naturally were slim (see "Fun with Statistics"). And when I saw the spotting this morning, I didn't cry. I walked my dog, I ate, I showered. Then in the car on the way to work, Pink's "Fistful of Glitter" came on the radio, and for some reason, I just lost it. I think it was the line, "Have you ever looked fear in the face and said 'I just don't care'?"
I'm scared. I really am. My last medicated cycle was traumatic, and the thought of doing it all again . . . I'm sure many of you can relate. But to survive, I've got to just say "fuck it" and fake having a pair.
Sitting in my parked car outside my building, I dabbed my eyes with my sleeve and forced a smile into the rearview mirror. Then I walked to the building, swiped my badge at the door, and tried to seal off the part of my brain that feels emotion.
The day went crappily, my ability to focus on work very, very fleeting. And having to step outside to make several calls to my pharmacy and insurance company didn't help my productivity or sanity. But I somewhat survived.
OK, starting now, I'm going to be positive. I want to be positive, open, relaxed.
OK, starting after this post. First, two gems:
-Before signing into Blogger, I checked my email to find a Facebook friend request from an acquaintance. I accepted the request and checked out her profile. It's a girl! And there are ultrasound pictures to prove it! AWESOME. Sending a friend request is the perfect way to let someone know you're knocked up.
-Just saw the absolute worst commercial. A young couple is shopping for a new fridge. Perfect Dad has a baby strapped to his chest. They keep joking about the number of people in their family ("This fridge is perfect for 2!" "Oh, honey, we have 3 now!"). Then they find the perfect fridge, and Perfect Dad says that it'll be great for 5. "5? I thought we were thinking 4!" says Perfect Mom. "But the fridge is so big!" quips Perfect Dad. And they all laugh. And I yell "fuck you" at the TV and go get some ice cream.
Deep breath. And release. Ah.
You're a better woman than I. When people on TV piss me off, I'd yell "fuck you" then get ice cream, but then I'd proceed to throw the ice cream at the TV. Then the remote.
ReplyDeleteKeeping everything crossed for you, this month and always! Hoping this is when you finally get to your "there" of "wherever there is" fame!
I've seen that commercial and both it and the new IPhone commercial make me want to freakin break the TV. UGH!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd honey, just because you have the insurance coverage to do the IUI's doesn't make them magically easier on your psyche or body. I wish it worked that way though. You still have to do the injections, they still hurt, you're still mentally traumatized ... it just SUCKS balls.
And can you de-friend your friend on FB? She'll never know ... :)
Wishing you all the best with this cycle.